I still remember that faithful day like it was yesterday. The 27th of December 2017, my family had come over for Christmas and it was an amazing time with lots of food and presents.
From the outside looking in, one could almost coin it “the perfect Christmas”. It was filled with smiles, laughter and plenty of banter. But something wasn’t quite right. Something was off, but I didn’t know exactly what it was. I just knew that I had been trying to suppress a feeling of uneasiness for months.
I couldn’t place my finger on it, but in my heart of hearts, I knew something was wrong with my ex-husband. He hadn’t been himself for a while and I was desperate to get to the bottom of it.
We decided to take a quick drive to the store to get some groceries. When we got back home and before we came out of the car, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to ask him for the 100th time if he was okay. At this point, I was convinced I had done something to upset him, so I was literally begging him to tell me what I had done wrong. I hated seeing him like that and I didn’t want us to go into the New Year with unresolved issues hanging over us.
After a lot of probing and prodding, he turned to me and said “Tosin, I don’t want to be married to you anymore!” He continued, “I’ve felt this way for over a year now and I didn’t know how to tell you, but I’ve made my decision and I’m done”.
Fast forward almost 5 years later and I am still unable to fully describe in words the roller-coaster of emotions I experienced in that moment. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t expecting that at all. My heart sunk. Everything within me wanted it to be an April fools joke, but we were in December at the time and there was nothing funny about what I had just heard. One of the most heart wrenching things of all, was that the more I looked into his eyes, the more I could see that he meant every single word.
This was the beginning of what was going to be the most turbulent and challenging season of my life. I was convinced life was over for me. I lost hope in everything good. I lost hope in humanity, I lost hope in God, His word, His promises and His plans for my life.
How could He allow this to happen? Where was I going to start from? I didn’t see any reason to continue life on this earth. I felt alone, lost, confused, and defeated. But you see Sis, the beautiful thing about God, is that although sometimes it may not feel like it in the moment, He is always there.
We know this because he promises to “never leave us, nor forsake us.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)
And as Psalms 34:18 reminds us, He is especially near to those who are broken hearted.
Like I said before, I found myself in a dark and trying season. However, whilst navigating my emotions and whilst my faith was being tested, I began to see and understand that the definition of God’s hope isn’t the same as the world’s hope. Whilst both may denote a positive expectation, worldly hope is rooted in a fallible person, situation, or thing. But God’s hope is rooted in Him!
It is the kind of hope that rises amid disappointment. This kind of hope is found not in the avoidance of suffering or crisis, but in the working through it. Why? Because, suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE! (Romans 5:5)
Hope that does not disappoint can only be found in God! I found hope in God after my divorce because whilst people and circumstances will always be subject to change, God remains constant and faithful.
You can hear more of Tosin’s journey of finding healing and hope after divorce here.
Tosin Alatise is a Pastor & Leader serving at Kingdom Culture Movement (London). She is an Entrepreneur, a woman of prayer, with a heart of intercession and passionate about seeing women walk in complete freedom unshackled by any hindrances so that they can fulfil their God given purpose. You can connect with Tosin on Instagram and watch more of her content on Youtube.